(man to woman via text)

Happy Days are Not To Be …It Really Isn’t You It’s Me.
(man to woman via)

Dear X. I know I have been a cow and I am sorry. I know you are coming home tomorrow but I will not be there to see you. David and I are getting married and I will not be seeing you any more. Deep down inside of me I love you, but I love David even more. Bye Y xx
(woman to man via letter)

Happy Birthday! Enclosed is your birthday present which I hope you like ….I am thinking of you especially today …because I have decided that although I love you I don’t feel that you are God’s One for me. Anyway I relay hope you like the present and that you have a fantastic birthday.
(woman to man via letter)

Dear X
There are things that I love so much about you but there are things I hate too. I guess you should know that I think more about the things that bother me about you now.

The time you slaughtered that lobster.

The ways you shouted and clapped at those cows to get them out of the road . Why couldn’t you have just waited for them to pass? We could have missed the cinema…

The haphazard way you chop vegetables.

Your constant negativity.

It took me three coats of paint to paint over where you left your phone number on my wall in red pen. I know that I was redecorating but it was a complete waste of paint.

y

Do you have a great break up letter?  send it to

Inception is for Blank Mag and many others the film of the year so it only seems right that it has now received the Lego treatment.

Respect to Flickr users Ochre Jelly and Profound Whatever for their fantastic homages.

Liverpool fans making their new signing feel at home:

“He’s small, he’s red, he’s got an outsize head. Joey Cole, Joey Cole.”

Chelsea fans response:

“He’s rich, they’re Scouse, they’re going to rob his house. Joey Cole, Joey Cole.”

ASHLEY COLE

Ashley Cole is one of the most hated footballers in Britain, and has a whole catalogue of chants aimed at him by fans all over the country for being a money grabbing, disloyal, cheating, moaner. This is perhaps pick of the bunch though, with a hint about his sexuality whilst still managing to mention his wife. Nice.

“Ashley Cole is a rent boy, his mobiles always on, and when he’s shagging Cheryl, he thinks of Elton John”

PETER CROUCH when at LIverpool

“He’s Big”
“He’s Red”
“His feet stick out of bed …
“PETER CROUCH … PETER CROUCH …”

WAYNE ROONEY after getting caught shagging a “mature” prostitute

“he’s fat
he’s red
he’ll take your nan to bed
wayne rooney! wayne rooney!”

OLDHAM fans

It contains some real gems, such as this effort from Oldham fans:

Give us a T. Give us an I.

Give us a T. Give us an S.

What do you do with ‘em?

‘Old’em! ‘Old’em!

Chelsea fans mocking Turkish side Galatasaray:

You’re shish. And you know you are. You’re shish . . .

GRAHAM RIX
when he was released from prison after being convicted for…well…you know… (to the Manic Street Preachers tune)

“Aaaaand, if you tolerate RIX, then your children will be next…”

A new study by the Radcati Group discovered that 40% of UK men were spending 2 hours a day dealing with e mails and that 62% of men were sending work e mails out of hours.

“We’re living through an information overload” says psychologist and stress expert Dr David Lewis. “Our studies show that this excess and inescapablility of e mails is a major contributing factor to stress.”

Using leisure time to deal with work e mails enhances stress levels. Our bodeis are not deisgned to deal with consistennt stress. Stress may be teh buzzword of teh decade but it need sto be taken seriously, it is now being blamed for 85% of chronic ilnesses in the Western world.

“It can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety and even mental breakdown. Increased e mailing can also lead to alienation and disenchantment.” says Dr Lewis.

So how do you stop e mails taking over your life? Professor Cary Cooper from Lancaster University says the secret is not to constantly check them and instead impose strict rules. “Only check your e mails every hour at the most” he advises.

“For many there  is no way to answer every e mail. It is important to understand this and not feel guilty. Prioritise the important ones, do some others later and forget about the ones that could drown you.”

-The magnum won’t fit in the fridge.

-There is no ‘bagel setting’ on the toaster. The horror.

-I canNOT make spicy oil nearly as spicy as the one we had on holiday in Sicily

Think I’ve overdosed on sushi.

I broke a newly manicured nail whilst opening a specialist herbal tea bag earlier in the week.

Today the water cooler was out of order so I had to get water from the tap. The tap!

The shop was closed so I couldn’t get a key cut for my new cleaner at lunch

I had too many pistachios and now I’m not hungry enough for lunch

My new dishwasher wasn’t delivered AGAIN today. I had to try and wash dishes myself. Like I’m some kind of machine

we’re running out of latte milk T-Discs for the Tassimo, it’ll have to be an Espresso instead

at the soirée our friend Celine got a stiletto heel stuck between the decking

DILEMMA : I need to go get ready to go out later, but Celebrity Masterchef is on.

I ran out of sun-dried tomatoes for a dish I was making last night and has to settle for semi-dried tomatoes instead.

Crumbling some Maldon salt into my salad, I have cut my thumb on a particularly sharp shard. It’s quite sore.

Many thanks to twitter #middleclassproblems

The celebrity cookery show, which featured DJ Nihal and former athlete Tessa Sanderson, averaged 4.673 million viewers and a 22.3% share between 8pm and 9pm, according to unofficial overnights.

The paper discovered what amounts to an alternative geography of the United States, a Top Secret America hidden from public view and lacking in thorough oversight. After nine years of unprecedented spending and growth, the result is that the system put in place to keep the United States safe is so massive that its effectiveness is impossible to determine.

The investigation’s other findings include:
* Some 1,271 government organizations and 1,931 private companies work on programs related to counterterrorism, homeland security and intelligence in about 10,000 locations across the United States.
* An estimated 854,000 people, nearly 1.5 times as many people as live in Washington, D.C., hold top-secret security clearances.
* In Washington and the surrounding area, 33 building complexes for top-secret intelligence work are under construction or have been built since September 2001. Together they occupy the equivalent of almost three Pentagons or 22 U.S. Capitol buildings – about 17 million square feet of space.