Gymkhana is an automotive sport that requires drivers to skillfully maneuver their car around a series of cones, slaloms, turns, figure eights and possibly a 51 degree bank, using extreme acceleration, braking and drifting.

Liverpool fans making their new signing feel at home:

“He’s small, he’s red, he’s got an outsize head. Joey Cole, Joey Cole.”

Chelsea fans response:

“He’s rich, they’re Scouse, they’re going to rob his house. Joey Cole, Joey Cole.”

ASHLEY COLE

Ashley Cole is one of the most hated footballers in Britain, and has a whole catalogue of chants aimed at him by fans all over the country for being a money grabbing, disloyal, cheating, moaner. This is perhaps pick of the bunch though, with a hint about his sexuality whilst still managing to mention his wife. Nice.

“Ashley Cole is a rent boy, his mobiles always on, and when he’s shagging Cheryl, he thinks of Elton John”

PETER CROUCH when at LIverpool

“He’s Big”
“He’s Red”
“His feet stick out of bed …
“PETER CROUCH … PETER CROUCH …”

WAYNE ROONEY after getting caught shagging a “mature” prostitute

“he’s fat
he’s red
he’ll take your nan to bed
wayne rooney! wayne rooney!”

OLDHAM fans

It contains some real gems, such as this effort from Oldham fans:

Give us a T. Give us an I.

Give us a T. Give us an S.

What do you do with ‘em?

‘Old’em! ‘Old’em!

Chelsea fans mocking Turkish side Galatasaray:

You’re shish. And you know you are. You’re shish . . .

GRAHAM RIX
when he was released from prison after being convicted for…well…you know… (to the Manic Street Preachers tune)

“Aaaaand, if you tolerate RIX, then your children will be next…”

Maradona after Argentina qualified for the finals in South Africa, after looking like they would not make it….

“To those who did not believe: now suck my d**k – I’m sorry ladies for my words – and keep on sucking it. I am either white or black. I will never be grey in my life. You treated me as you did. Now keep on sucking d**ks. I am grateful to my players and to the Argentinian people. I thank no one but them. The rest, keep on sucking d**ks.”

On watching former club Boca Juniors…

“I feel like my chest burns. It’s like sleeping with Julia Roberts.”

On playing for Argentina…

“When I wear the national team shirt, its sole contact with my skin makes it stand on an end.”

On beating England in the 1986 World Cup quarter-final and THAT goal…

“It was the hand of God.”

Diego Maradona on smashing the car of a photographer…

“I did it with the hand of reason.”

On who was a better player between him and Pele…

“My mother says it was me and Pele’s mother says it w

“Maradona is our maximum term of reference. No one embodies our essence better. No one bears our emblem more nobly. To no other, in the last twenty years, have we offered up so much passion. Argentina is Maradona, Maradona is Argentina.”

-- Argentine psychologist Gustavo Bernstein

Blackpool manager Ian Holloway is a football master after guiding his team of misfits and rejects into the Premiership on a shoestring budget. He is also a man who gives very good quote.

“He’s six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking – he’s got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he’s hung like a hamster – That would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his cock’s massive.” (Speaking about Cristiano Ronaldo)

“Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings.” (Speaking about striker Paul Furlong)

“I don’t see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal? They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too. I suppose thats one of the main reasons women come to football games, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they’d have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin.” (Speaking of the rule prohibiting players from removing their shirts)

The exceptional attraction of golf, I always say, is that it’s a competitive game that turns on the unforced errors of the individual players.

In other sports, you see, a player has to contend with other players tackling them and taking the ball off their feet, bowling tricky balls to them with unreadable spin, returning their serve at 100mph down the line or attempting to hit them extremely hard on the side of the head.

But in golf, a chap has to face the yawning existential horror of personal accountability. There is nowhere to hide; no one else to blame. By rights, therefore, the golfer should be the deepest thinker and the finest spirit of the entire sporting world. Every day he is forced to face such uncomfortable truths about his own shortcomings. Which is why it is always so entertaining to discover that professional golfers have the spiritual sophistication of spermatozoa and the mental capacity of gnats.

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